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Overcoming Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness and Chronic Illness (Multiple Sclerosis) using A Course In Miracles . . . 


I have been diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression, Bipolar Depression, General Anxiety Disorder, and Multiple Sclerosis.  Phew!  That’s a lot to take on in one lifetime!  For years I managed a facade that I could handle everything, that I was “perfect” and was in control, wearing a mask to the world, yet feeling like a scared little child inside.  I grew up Lutheran and believed in a God outside of me who punished me, who I had to plead forgiveness for my sins, whom I was constantly disappointing.  It didn’t feel good.  As an only child to a mother who was diagnosed with MS when she was only 29, I had to grow up fast.  I had to stop playing overnight and grow up to become a parent.  I felt like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I succeeded in school and graduated with a Masters degree by the time I was 24 with straight As.  Yet, I felt like a complete fraud, like I didn’t know anything, I simply had a good photographic memory at the time that resulted in good grades.  And so I took a job in a field other than what I graduated in and started from the bottom.  I worked my way up to be a Corporate Trainer and still felt completely incompetent.  I took xanax before each class I taught, so afraid of what everyone thought of me.  By the time I was 32, I suffered from a depression of all depressions.  I had been through bouts of depression throughout my twenties and had been on various medication since I was 19, but this depression was different.  I couldn’t get out of bed.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I had horrible anxiety, feeling like something terrible was about to happen.  I didn’t think I would make it through. I had to go on disability from work.  My life was over as I knew it.  
I am now 43 and have never gone back to work full time.  I still suffer from depression and anxiety sometimes on a daily, if not, weekly basis.  I struggle and at age 40 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  Doomed once again.  My life over, I thought.  

Yet, I have hope.  I feel a light in me.  I feel a higher conscious in me.  I have a greater purpose.  Life may not have gone the way I had planned but I am aligning myself with this higher source and doing my best to get out of the way and let this higher power direct my life.  A Course In Miracles has been the biggest shift and most helpful teaching in feeling lifted from depression, anxiety and illness.  I am so thankful, grateful, and inspired by ACIM.  I can’t wait to read my daily lesson in the mornings.  I go to a weekly ACIM class taught by a wonderful, enlightened woman named “Sandi”.  I am on a journey out of darkness.  My goal is to be a light unto the world.  I have been in darkness far too long.  I have hidden from life, not shown up and have been scared to shine and now I am ready to come out.  I am not sure how this is going to transpire but this website and blog are going to record my transformation.  I am ready Universe!  I am letting go of everything I know and surrendering myself to God within, to a higher power, to the Universe and ask that I be led to whatever is in my highest interest, whatever is my true calling.  And I give thanks in advance for being divinely guided.

One of my favorite quotes:

Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth “You Owe Me”, see what happens with a love like that?  It lights up the whole sky.  (-Hafiz)

 


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