Overcoming Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness and Chronic Illness (Multiple Sclerosis) using A Course In Miracles . . .
I have been diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression, Bipolar Depression, General Anxiety Disorder, and Multiple Sclerosis. Phew! That’s a lot to take on in one lifetime! For years I managed a facade that I could handle everything, that I was “perfect” and was in control, wearing a mask to the world, yet feeling like a scared little child inside. I grew up Lutheran and believed in a God outside of me who punished me, who I had to plead forgiveness for my sins, whom I was constantly disappointing. It didn’t feel good. As an only child to a mother who was diagnosed with MS when she was only 29, I had to grow up fast. I had to stop playing overnight and grow up to become a parent. I felt like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I succeeded in school and graduated with a Masters degree by the time I was 24 with straight As. Yet, I felt like a complete fraud, like I didn’t know anything, I simply had a good photographic memory at the time that resulted in good grades. And so I took a job in a field other than what I graduated in and started from the bottom. I worked my way up to be a Corporate Trainer and still felt completely incompetent. I took xanax before each class I taught, so afraid of what everyone thought of me. By the time I was 32, I suffered from a depression of all depressions. I had been through bouts of depression throughout my twenties and had been on various medication since I was 19, but this depression was different. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t stop crying. I had horrible anxiety, feeling like something terrible was about to happen. I didn’t think I would make it through. I had to go on disability from work. My life was over as I knew it. I am now 43 and have never gone back to work full time. I still suffer from depression and anxiety sometimes on a daily, if not, weekly basis. I struggle and at age 40 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Doomed once again. My life over, I thought.
Yet, I have hope. I feel a light in me. I feel a higher conscious in me. I have a greater purpose. Life may not have gone the way I had planned but I am aligning myself with this higher source and doing my best to get out of the way and let this higher power direct my life. A Course In Miracles has been the biggest shift and most helpful teaching in feeling lifted from depression, anxiety and illness. I am so thankful, grateful, and inspired by ACIM. I can’t wait to read my daily lesson in the mornings. I go to a weekly ACIM class taught by a wonderful, enlightened woman named “Sandi”. I am on a journey out of darkness. My goal is to be a light unto the world. I have been in darkness far too long. I have hidden from life, not shown up and have been scared to shine and now I am ready to come out. I am not sure how this is going to transpire but this website and blog are going to record my transformation. I am ready Universe! I am letting go of everything I know and surrendering myself to God within, to a higher power, to the Universe and ask that I be led to whatever is in my highest interest, whatever is my true calling. And I give thanks in advance for being divinely guided.
One of my favorite quotes:
Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth “You Owe Me”, see what happens with a love like that? It lights up the whole sky. (-Hafiz)