Medications for Moods
I think I have been on every single anti-depressant and mood stabilizer that is out there. I started taking medication when I was 19 years old. My friend and I drove down to Mexico because we had heard that Prozac helps you to lose weight and so we bought some there. It changed my life. That is when I realized I had depression. My world went from black and white to color. I am talking vivid color. I became someone I never knew existed. I was more outgoing, so much more confident, taking direction for my life, it was a new me. Unfortunately there is what is called prozac “poop-out” and since that time I have tried all the “meds” known for treating depression: zoloft (worked for a couple years), lexapro, cymbalta, viibryd, parnate, and so many more like the tricyclics. I also take xanax and sometimes clonazepam when my anxiety gets bad. I take sleeping pills or else I don’t sleep. It feels like I am stuck on these medications because when I slowly try to titrate off (with psychiatrist help), I have major withdraw symptoms, mainly severe depression!
My current medication list is as follows:
- Effexor – 300mg
- Wellbutrin – 150mg
- Lamictal – 50mg
- Abilify – 5mg
- Dextroamphetamine – 10mg x 3 a day
- Xanax – 2mg
- Seroquel – 100mg (sleep)
- Trazodone – 50mg (sleep)
- Synthroid – 137mcg (hypothyroid)
- Cytomel – 25mcg (hypothyroid)
I know, it’s a lot. And I use caffeine pills to get myself out of bed each day which then cause anxiety. Phew! Exhausting cycle I am caught up in. The sad part is that I am still isolating myself, still feeling depressed a lot of the time and anxious as well. The medications aren’t working but I am scared to get off them. They are like my safety blanket.
With A Course in Miracles, I practice saying “I accept only perfect health” over and over in my mind. Healing occurs in the mind. I know that the mind can heal the body and my brain. Quantum physics proves this. The placebo effect proves this. I need to really watch my thoughts and not judge them but become very aware of the ones that tell me I am not worthy, I will never get better, if I can’t do something perfectly than why bother? One day at a time. One moment at a time. I can do this. It’s a journey that begins with a desire to heal.