Browse Category by Uncategorized
Alone, Loneliness, Uncategorized

The Mask I Wear

The Mask I Wear

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
   masks that I’m afraid to take off
     and none of them are me.      
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me
          but don’t be fooled,
   for God’s sake, don’t be  fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
   within as well as without,
    that confidence is my name
     and coolness my game,
    that the water’s calm
   and I’m in command,
  and that I need no one.
But don’t believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
   But I hide this.
    I don’t want anybody to know it.
     I panic at the thought of my
            weaknesses
      and fear exposing them.
That’s why I frantically create my masks
          to hide behind.  
They’re nonchalant, sophisticated facades
          to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
            knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
   my only salvation,
       and I know it.

That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
   and if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
   from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I’m playing,
   the superficial phony game.
I’d really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
   of what I can’t assure myself,
     that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this.
   I don’t dare.
      I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh
   and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing,
        that I’m just no good
             and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
   and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s nothing
   and nothing of what’s everything,
                 of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
   do not be fooled by what I’m saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
   what I’m not saying
Hear what I’d like to say
   but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
   long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
   the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
   you wonder who I am
    you shouldn’t
     for I am everyman
     and everywoman
      who wears a mask.
Don’t be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

(Unknown Author)

Moods, Uncategorized

Overwhelmed!!

Overwhelmed!

Today (and most days) I feel completely overwhelmed.  I’m talking PARALYZED, can’t do anything whatsoever because there is too much to do. I am definitely needing help in this area and have prayed and prayed but am not feeling directed so I am going to do what I do best, research the internet!  Any suggestions are welcome!

I have recognized I am a perfectionist.  And totally stressed out.  As a reaction to the flight, fight, freeze mode, I freeze and shut down.

 

Moods, Uncategorized

Bad Moods!

What to do when you are in a BAD mood?

Nurture, be kind to yourself, love yourself, tenderness, have mercy on your sweet soul, dance!!!  Remember, you need to feel to heal so go for a walk, a jog, punch some pillows, or punch the air, get it out of you!

Shine, Uncategorized

Who are we not to shine?

Who are we not to shine?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  – Marianne Williamson

  • One of my most favorite quotes ever on our own innate brilliantly shining light within us all!

 

Uncategorized

Fatigue and MS

Fatigue and MS

So in 2013 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I had visited my psychiatrist and complained of memory loss (had been going on for years) and he ordered an MRI of my brain.  Well that MRI came back showing I have 15 lesions in my brain and that I meet the “McDonald Criteria” for having MS.  Boom, life was over as we know it.

I now have had no new lesions for the past 3 years (hallelujah!!!!) but I still suffer from severe bouts of fatigue (also known as lassitude) where it pretty much feels like I have the flu without the stomachache and coughing.  So I tend to lay in bed a lot. Feeling weary.  Fatigued.  Sleepy.  Exhausted.  I am all of these and stressed out to top them off most of the time. Yikes!  I just can’t wake up today.  I have taken my caffeine pills and dex (short for dextroamphetamine) which normally kick in to give me energy but just not feeling any umph at all today. But I am learning to not judge myself for it.  And to have compassion for myself for going through this.   So instead of fighting it like I normally do and then beating myself up all day because of it, I am going to do the opposite.  I am going to accept that I am fatigued and love myself even more for it.  Nurture myself more for the fact I am so tired.  Be my own best friend today.  Have mercy on myself.  Soothe myself.  Tenderness, gentleness, kindness come to mind.  

Uncategorized

Why are we SO hard on ourselves?

If we beat a friend up the way we beat ourselves up there is no way a friend would ever tolerate our abuse!  Why do we?  All day long I have this inner critic (that comes from my father) that is constantly criticizing me, judging me, berating me, beating me down and does NOT stop.  They say awareness is the first step.  And that is what I am doing.  And I am saying STOP.  Stop the abuse.  It is time to have mercy on me. I deserve happiness and love and kindness.  I deserve to be nurtured.  I have to stop trying to be perfect because it paralyzes me when I am not. 

Uncategorized

Perfectionism

Perfect, to be or not to be?

Recently I met with my spiritual coach, Valerie, and for the first time in my life I got a new perception of why it is not a good idea to try to be “perfect” in this world.  You see, I have grown up basically on my own and for whatever reason hold such rigid standards about myself and how I have to be perfect at everything or else it is not worth even trying anything at all.  I did learn through DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) that perfectionism will always lead to depression because there is no way we can be perfect at everything all the time, thus depression and let down set in.  BUT, that didn’t stop me from trying to be perfect.  On a sub-conscious level, I will not try anything new for fear of looking like I don’t know what I am doing; hence, I take no risks.  So during my session with Valerie she informed me that the majority of people will not like someone who is perfect or strives to be perfect all the time.  The people we can really relate to and bond with are people who are “flawed”, who have similar stories to us, who are striving to survive in this place we call home. 

Obsession, Uncategorized

Obsessing over a First or Second Date

Obsessing is the single most waste of time…

Jan 3, 2017

Wow, I cannot believe how the mind works when it is “attached” to a person.  I have been obsessed about many guys in my lifetime but I really cannot believe how after all this time on the spiritual path and having released all “unavailable” men to the Universe, I was hooked.  I mean we are talking ADDICTED, just like a heroin addict needs a hit, I needed this guy to text me back.  I was drowning in despair and we had only gone on two dates.  Really???  I knew I was knee deep stuck in what seemed to be quicksand as I was quickly traveling further and further into my Ego INSANE mind!  But I didn’t realize this.  I thought I was feeling “abandonment” pain.  Because my dad left me when I was a little girl, I was brilliant, or so I thought, that I put together the pieces that I was feeling the exact same way I did when I was a little girl and was waiting for my dad to call.  He would promise me the world and back and I would get so excited, awaiting his return, awaiting the fulfillment of his promises, that one day I could move in with him, that we would live in an apartment with a pool, yippee!  But that call hardly ever came.  When it did there were no words on the other line, it was the sound of silence.  Such an empty sound that is.  And my heart would drop and I do remember sobbing one Christmas when I thought he was coming over and never did.  Wishes unfulfilled. Oh, there I go, getting caught up in the Ego’s “story” again as I write this!  Wow, it has such a grasp over our consciousness, it is unreal.  But I am back (na na na na – if you know Eminem you will get where I was going with that! lol), and I have to say, the Ego = Insanity (well, I actually read that in A Course In Miracles book today on p. 133, ha ha).  So what I mean is that I got so caught up in the past and the “psychology” of all the books I have read, seminars I have been to, audios I have listened to about hurt, pain, abandonment, loss, etc that I felt I needed to “grieve” this childhood I felt I mustn’t have grieved when I was younger, for why was the pain so intense and so deep and piercing?  Well, in comes my ACIM teacher Sandi to the rescue.  Thank God.  Literally.  I decided to bring up Jon, the guy I had been obsessing about, in class today.  I had debated it for I felt “selfish” to take up class and I was feeling like a chatty Cathy already, interrupting sentences and giving my input on everything that was happening.  However, I am so deeply grateful that I shared my obsession in class.  Here is what I learned.  Jon is a divine assignment in my life; I have a lesson to learn.  I had already “cut the cords” with him mentally and had released him via the Release Prayer over and over again throughout this past month (basically, since I had not heard from him one week after our first date).  So as of today it has been 5 weeks and 3 days since I met him and for 4 weeks and 3 days (I just looked that up, I am not that neurotic to have known that off the top of my head! ha!) I have obsessed about him for the most part.  So Sandi said to just “let it go”, see things differently (release him to God, replace with peace and see things differently), to which I felt I have already done so many times!  She emphasized that when you release there is now space for new opportunities (meeting a new guy) to whom really wants to be with me.  She said everything is happening right place, right time, divinely.  She said the answer to my suffering was to send him love.  For God says to us, love my people and you will be saved.  And instantly that clicked, that resonated with my soul.  AHHhhhhh HAaaaa moment!!!!  Hallelujah, that is just what I was looking for, an answer, a key to the puzzle, a mystery solved.  Yes, I was reminded, all I need to do is love God’s people, my brothers and sisters, and my life will be divinely guided in my highest good.  For God wants what is of my highest good always!!!  “Teach only love for that is what you are” I was reminded of!   I realized I had been caught in full blown EGO mode, over analyzing every single detail about my “relationship” with Jon.   And I even remember for a split second yesterday, before succumbing to the deepest darkest place in my mind that there could be a “spiritual” solution to this problem and I might not need to “grieve” it through and take my sleep medication to get the day over with.  Instead, I succumbed to the pain and laid down and let it overcome me and listened to “The Fatherless Daughter Project” for over an hour, hoping my pain would ease.  When it didn’t, I took more xanax.  With the pain still there, I took my sleeping pills and finally, was out of pain.  So what appears to be a “problem” (i.e. “he is just not into me!”) is actually a healing path for me by divinely loving him.  Wow, what a major reversal of what my Ego mind had festered into my brain.  My Ego was telling me “this is what I want”, if I hear from Jon my pain will go away so that is what needs to happen.  But the Universe, God, have wisdom and know better, so I just need to TRUST!   In spirit we are not looking for answers. We automatically trust the outcome of all my needs are met, the Universe has my back, God wants what is best for me!  I must trust that there is a lesson to learn here.  There was chemistry between me and Jon for a specific reason, our meeting was not a coincidence, it was a divine assignment from God, I have a lesson to learn!  Love, love and love some more!!!  And also, look what is transpiring, this is my first “writing” for my website or book!!!   I told Sandi that Jon told me I was “beautiful, amazing and sexy” when I saw him but then disappeared off the face of the earth afterwards.  Sandi told me to say “thank you” and to let it be, TRUST that the guy I end up with will also say those things!  Sandi also told me “don’t get him signed up”, it’s an inner adventure.  Have no attachment to the outcome of what will happen. God’s will is the outcome!!!  Anything that happens now is perfect.  Everything is a divine assignment.  I am benefiting myself so much more now by loving more (the more love I give the more I get back!).  I am stopping right now to send him love. So now, when I think of Jon I no longer feel pain or rejection, I am projecting love!  Now the Angels are aware of this freedom!  This is all an inner adventure in my life.  Sandi said to be without an attachment to an outcome.  (I need to do that with everything in my life, btw!).  When we release, she said, you have no idea if that person will come back to you.  And so in class I released him again and I sent him love.  Trust that God has my highest interest in mind Sandi emphasized.  She also brought up the Law of Allowance.  Allow him to be as he is.  She stated to me that I am cutting the cords with this Navy Seals guy (yep, I mentioned that in class, thank you EGO!) not to call me.  So I need to practice this.  Practice allowing a guy not to want me in his life, or as she rephrased “Allow Jon to be as he is”, the same with my ex-boyfriend, Eric, who does not choose to be friends with me.  Allow Eric to be as he is.  And then I need to start being who I truly am!  I am love and I need to love and be the person I would want someone else to want!  To be the person I can be with 24/7 and still have fun and love and be happy with!  To create my life so full of all of God’s will that I am bursting from my core with light, love and beauty!!!  And so love these men . . . remember God’s only request is to “love my people”!!!  So just let it go, Sandi said repeatedly.  No need to blame my dad as when I am in the light, living God’s will, the light automatically undoes the thought processes of the Ego and there is natural forgiveness for now I look upon as there was nothing to forgive, we are all whole, complete and perfect!  God created us this way and so it is!  “The Ego’s whole thought system blocks extension, and thus blocks your only function.” -ACIM p. 132  In my own words, “the Ego keeps you in Hell on earth”.  So don’t analyze!  Don’t analyze!  Don’t obsess!  Oh my goodness, if it is meant to be it will work out!  (lightbulb going off in my brain again!).  We keep love by giving it away!  A quantum shift occurs when we accept that we are whole, complete, love, expressions of God.  Our emotions become transformed.  We are no longer bothered by the things that used to bother us (i.e. my dad not being there when I was growing up).  Do not condemn the present because of the past, be born again, let the past go!  And the ACIM card Wendy read to me went “You cannot be totally committed sometimes”.  Wow, was not every word in class today a divine reception of the Universe!!!  OMG, I am just blown away.  My heart is so full of love, joy and happiness right now!!  I feel like the light of the world!!! 

Uncategorized

The Love Exercise

The Love Exercise

The most important exercise you can ever do to make significant changes in your life.  Created by Sandi Altman, teacher of A Course In Miracles, Denver CO.

  1. Think of the word “love” in your mind.
  2. Send the word “love” down to your heart.
  3. Open your heart by thinking of something or someone you love dearly.
  4. Send love out of your heart to strangers for 10-15 minutes a day.

The Universal Law is what you give you get back.  This applies to anything and everything. So the more love you send out, the more love you get back!  The reason we send love to strangers is because the people you are in relationships with you have ‘conditional’ love for.