My Journey

My Journey 

You may look at a photo or two of me and ask yourself, “how in the world could she suffer from a miserable life?”.  But yet, I did, and as I look back on my journals which I have kept for 23 some years, there was a lot of suffering involved.  Horrible, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, emotionally draining, suicidal idealation suffering.  I often ask myself “why me?” but then stop because I don’t want to get trapped into becoming a victim of life where you then stay stuck forever (and ever).  I have been to more therapists than I can possibly count (I am guessing between 75 – 100) and quite a few psychiatrists, some that have even turned me down after looking at the cocktail of meds I have been on since 2002.  I turned to spirituality full-time in 2013 finally thinking I had found the answer to my depression and feeling the “light within” and “oneness” with everyone only to be succumb to depression many times after practicing that spirituality full time.  Also at the end of 2012, I was diagnosed with M.S. (multiple sclerosis) which is ironic since I am the only child of my mother who was diagnosed with it when she was 27 years old and has been in a wheelchair for years and years now with no short term memory at all.  Well the time has come where I no longer have a short term memory either and my quality of life is one of ultimate despair.  I fake it in front of people so I appear “somewhat normal” but what I really feel like doing is crying hysterically all the time or somehow getting myself killed so that I didn’t technically do the suicide myself.  I have been on disability for depression since 2006, which to some extent has helped as there is no way I could go back to working as a Corporate Trainer remembering all that financial training material I used to teach and having the confidence to stand in front of others but yet I then had no purpose in life as you can’t work more than $1000 (approx.) a month or you get booted off disability.   So you are basically screwed.  This whole last year I have been working part-time (9-12 hrs a week) but have been completely stressed, overwhelmed, and can’t remember anything I have learned so it makes my job a complete nightmare.  Life in itself has become a complete nightmare.  There is nothing I look forward to.  I have stopped smiling.  I no longer laugh.  I am in some type of pain all the time.  I am beyond fatigued ALL the time.  I lay in bed over half of my life.  Surely this couldn’t be what God or the Universe had in mind for my life?